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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Considering Giving it All Up

Well the title pretty much sums it all up :(  The last few weeks have been especially tough and I am considering putting the baby making on hold until I am feeling mentally strong enough to start again.  Have been questioning depression over the last week or so and am beginning to wonder if I may have a mild form.

Most days I don't even want to get up, given the choice I could stay buried under the covers for the whole day.  When I do finally get up I have zero motivation to do anything, washing my hair and sorting my appearance is becoming too much of a chore and I am finding myself leaving the house with greasy hair and clothing that is mismatched, dirty and covered in dog hair - Usually I wouldn't leave the house unless I looked at least somewhat presentable as I would rather die of embarrassment then people see me in that state but these days it just doesn't register.

My moods seem to spiral from dizzyingly high over silly little things like an extra day off work to scraping the bottom of the barrel where I can't help but lash out at anyone near by and the least little thing will have me in tears.  I am too scared to go to the doctors as anti-depressants have such a bad reputation and I am worried that they will be my GPs solution.

It is a mixture of everything at the moment; helping to care for my Nan, the infertility and the stress of running two businesses but the only factor I can try to change in order to make life more bearable is trying to conceive and although it breaks my heart to commit to being an older Mother it seems to be my only choice.

It could be somewhat of a coincidence but I have noticed that there seems to be a trend with me not crafting and my mood plummeting so even though I can't be bothered I am trying to force myself to do at least one small crafty thing a day in order to try and boost my mood.

Have some positive energy crystals on order so once they arrive I am hoping to make a cute charm bracelet to try and help to lift my mood.

Sorry for the mood killing post but these are the ups and downs of long term trying to conceive and it would seem a bit one sided if I only shared the positive.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Today is a day for me! A lazy day to snuggle on the sofa with the dog and watch DVDs (for which I have a huuuuuge post Christmas pile that hasn't even been approached yet). I would like to say I will over-indulge in sweet treats but thanks to my latest obsession that just isn't going to happen!
Not sure if I mentioned but we were told at our last heartbreaking Specialist appointment that DH and I are now classed as unexplained and the only option would be IVF BUT our lovely local PCT will not fund this until we both reach the age of 30, 4 years time :( Clutching at straws I burst out with the fact that DH doesn't stick to his gluten free diet despite being diagnosed as coeliac, remarkably the Specialist didn't seem to think I had gone insane and instead agreed that there could be a very small (she clearly emphasised the small - evil hope dasher) chance that his lack of required diet changes could be having an impact. Clue one very annoyed DH and one seethingly mad me (have spent the last two years convinced something is wrong with me and now there is a chance (yes I know it is a small one) that it is as simple as changing diet)! DH has been an absolute trooper and been 100% gluten free for the last month, he is saying he doesn't feel any better but the bags (and in fact the bags of the bags) under his eyes have gone and he seems to be a little healthier!
The above of course brings me along to my latest obsession; The winter has not been kind to me and after catching sight of a recent work photograph featuring me I almost burst into tears. The joys of having a calculated medium skeleton mean that even a few extra pounds can make me look like I have gained a stone :( I had arms the size of a forty something singleton with an avid passion for bingo (AKA Bingo wings!) and my short stature made me look like Humpty Dumpty's twin sister. Something has to give, if DH is being a star and following his diet rigidly then I am all too aware of how easily a few extra pounds on me can impact on my fertility. So am now following a calorie controlled diet and have to say it has been a bit of an eye opener!
Whenever I have thought about cutting down on food intake I have always adhered to the normal formula of consuming 1500 calories a day will ensure you lose weight, not so for shorties like me! 1500 calories is actually want I would need to maintain my current weight and most embarrassingly I used to grossly underestimate the amount of calories in meals and snacks meaning I was actually eating way above my sustainable weight and of course gaining. Luckily I had a wonderful forum friend who suggested a site called myfitnesspal and it is a god send! Although an American site it seems to list every single food item sold in the UK (including basic and smart price brands) meaning with just one click I can add a whole meal and have my calories calculated for me!
The only niggle I can see with myfitnesspal so far is that when you exercise you have the calories burned onto your daily calorie intake - in affect it wants you to eat more. Ignoring this yesterday (believing I would lose weight quicker) I came in at just under my daily limit and then got a rollocking from the site for risking starvation mode :( It is nice to see that they are ensuring members are adhering to sensible weight loss but it has left me wondering what the point of exercise is if you then have to go and eat the amount of calories you have burnt off.
Well it is early days but I am hoping to lose my winter addage and then treat myself to a cute pair of dungarees and a pair of high waisted denim shorts - ala Zooey Deschanel my latest girl crush!